Thursday, November 1, 2012

Not Sure What to Expect

I am not sure as to what to expect in this whole process.

I have had no cramping or pain of any kind today.
Some bleeding this morning followed by what was probably the baby in a clot of strange looking tissue.

Lots of emotions. Crying. Feeling of loss.

Ahavah asked me, "what's wrong mommy?"
I said, "the baby in mommy's tummy died and went to heaven with Jesus."
"it's okay mommy." she says as she puts her arm around me and kisses me on the face. "Jesus loves you."

I don't think I will ever forget that moment. It's like I knew before she spoke that God was going to speak to me through her. I just smiled and let her hold me for a few minutes. As I rested my head on her little shoulder, I just wanted the world to stop turning for a while.

The bleeding has gone way way down. I am barely even spotting now. I am very nauseous, however, and keep getting heat flashes followed by chills. Probably a hormonal thing? Not sure what to expect...

I feel like trying to hold onto every possibility that this isn't happening.

Could it have been twins and I am still carrying one?
Could it have just been a cyst that burst or something?
Maybe if I got an ultrasound, there would be a baby in there?!
I mean bleeding could be anything right?
Miscarriages can be diagnosed, right?

Lord, I just need to hear Your voice in the midst of this.
Please speak to me about what to expect.

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