Or we ARE miscarrying.
I am still passing blood and some clots.
It's a strange feeling to miscarry. I actually feel really unqualified to be writing about something like this considering another friend of mine just had a still birth at 37 weeks. What I am going through does NOT even compare.
But this is the first I have experienced this, so I just want to talk about what I am feeling.
October 31st 2012 Wednesday
I had just got off the phone with my best friend in the whole world Cristina Douglas. I was just telling her that the Lord has never put me through a miscarriage because He knows I couldn't handle it. Only about 1 1/2 hours later, I went to the bathroom and "plop!" A couple tablespoons of blood dropped into the cold water in the toilet.
My eyes grew wide and I held my breath as I looked down to see the red mass sink to the bottom of the bowl. My stomach leaped and clamminess swept over my body.
I wiped to reveal more and more blood.
I shot up and called the nurse/midwife line. I still hadn't even gotten my blood work results back that would reveal how far along I was. A nurse finally called me back and informed me I was 4 weeks pregnant and suggested I come in for more blood work so we could see if my hormone levels were growing or dropping.
I just started bawling! Calling and calling and calling my husband at work, but he didn't answer. Finally he called me back and rushed home to take me to the clinic.
I kept feeling like I was missing a kid as I was rounding the girls up. One... Two... Three... Four?? Where is the fourth?!? Oh... there isn't one...
Every time I went to the bathroom... blood. Not a lot. Maybe a tablespoon?
My pad remained pretty clean.
There was still hope in my mind.
Maybe this is just implantation bleeding?
Maybe this could be normal?!?
Maybe something's going wrong that can be corrected??
That night I started cramping. I got the chills and then hot flashes.
I remembered on Tuesday just having an overwhelming sense of sadness.
I laid in bed and tried calling the on-call midwife again, but she never called back, so I went to sleep.
November 1st 2012, Thursday
This morning the bleeding seemed to be getting better.
Not as much cramping.
So I called the clinic to try to talk to a mid-wife.
She informed me my hormone levels dropped from 25 to 15.
I was miscarrying.
Everything else she said was just a blur that I don't remember.
As of this moment, I don't feel like crying.
I don't feel overwhelmingly sad.
That hit yesterday with the fear of everything going on.
I am at peace with it all I think.
Like I said earlier, I feel un-qualified to even talk about this compared to what others are going though at this moment.
I think I am going to make some sort of memorial for this baby though.
I don't care how early along you miscarry, it's a sad thing.
I LOVE KIDS! And losing one is my WORST nightmare!
So there it is.
My first miscarriage.
A week of deaths.
A weird thing.
But I know that I know that I know that God Is Good.
I have so many questions for Him.
Not just for myself, but for people who miscarry or stillbirth in general.
All I know is My God and His character.
He is good.
I don't understand it all.
But I have the answer.
He is Good.
In Hebrews 11 we see all these great men and women of faith. "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on earth (11:13)." Many were tortured, mocked, scourged, stoned, tempted, shipwrecked, afflicted, tormented! "And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us (11:39-40)."
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Frankly, we live in a Fallen World.
A world that hates God.
Sin is in this world.
We are a fallen and sinful people.
None of us ARE good.
We all sin.
But as a child of God, He reminds us that "all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
So by faith (Hebrews 11) and because I know my God personally and intimately, I can hold onto the fact that He is good, and His plans for me are good (Romans 8:28). Even when they don't seem that way...