This mornings devotional from Charles Spurgeon was on Romans 1:7 "Called to be saints."
It talked about how we sometimes get this idea that the saints of the Bile were some super holy dudes and we could never attain such a status as they had.
It says, "We have the same light they had, the same grace is accessible to us, and why should we be satisfied until we have equalled them in heavenly character?" Or even surpassed them?
But what really spoke to me was this (it accurately describes EXACTLY what I am learning in my walk with Jesus right now):
The nearer a man lives to God the more intensely he has to mourn over his own evil heart; and the more his Master honors him in His service, the more doth evil of the flesh vex and tease him day by day.
This is exactly what I am experiencing. I said these exact words (just not in king James language) to my husband last night.
The lord has called us to invest in other peoples lives.
What could go wrong with that?
More then I ever knew!
And I am sure more then I know now!
When the flesh is involved... man!
Even if I just entertain a little thought, it will manifest itself in an ugly, horrifying way that destroys relationships and ministry opportunities.
I told my husband last night, "I don't think I can do this babe. I don't want to grow anymore. I don't want to invest in people's lives. I don't want to be vulnerable. I can just be content with taking a part of the land that was allotted to me. The giants can have the rest of it. I am okay with that."
But am I really?
Has this world overcome the God that lives in us?
I owe my Lord my all.
He is glorified in my weakness.
The second part of this is how b-r-o-k-e-n I am over my sin.
I couldn't sleep the past few weeks.
Sick to my stomach.
Discussed with what was manifesting in my heart and so keen to all the sin around me.
I just cried out to the Lord and asked Him to cleanse me and forgive me, to teach me how to walk in righteousness one-step-at-a-time.
One thing at a time.
It's funny that the things I am so broken over I have been doing for years and never saw them as an issue until now! Now I see the putrid mess behind them! Yuk!
After all this was revealed to me, I was condemning myself and I had to just take God at His word. He said if I confess my sins He is faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).
Let's not give up!
Let's not back down!
Let's finish this race well!
Yeah I screwed up... BIG time... So much so i dont care to share specifics...But I confessed my sin and I am going to do better. I am forgiven and will move on.
Let's not let trials, hardships, or hard lessons stop us from know our God more intimately.