Monday, November 5, 2012

It Is Finished: Miscarriage

Searching and searching and searching the internet for any glimpse of hope to hold onto.

Story after story after story I filled my mind with all the tales of miracle after miracle after miracle of women whose fates didn't turn out how mine inevitably would... 

"I was diagnosed with a miscarriage... but had an ultrasound and found a baby!"

Dizziness, nausea, weakness and confusion sent me to the ER on Saturday night where I would meet my horrific fate: an ultrasound.

I laid on the hospital bed hooked up to an IV and listened to the ultrasound technician explain to me:

"Now you can watch what I am doing, but I cannot explain anything to you that you see on the screen. You need to wait for the doctor for that."

I knew that of course. I have a l.o.n.g history of m.a.n.y. pelvic ultrasounds. I could probably do them myself by now.

She squirted the warm gel on my stomach and placed the monitor in the correct position to gaze into my womb. 

Searching, my eyes were searching for a little face. 
A little head.
A little hand.
A little heart beat...
Just. An. Empty. Womb.

The doctor came in later that evening and said:

"Your pregnancy is over. Your hCG level was only 2 and the ultrasound showed no tissue or remains of a pregnancy. You should stop bleeding in a day or so."

No explanation for the dizziness (of course).
Just an explanation for the aching heart.

I braved it out to go to church on Sunday morning and face again: the inevitable. With my head down and eyes glued on the ground I tried to sneak in just before second service without anyone confronting me. My pastor's wife ran over and hugged me. I told her, "Don't talk to me. Don't say anything. I don't want to cry..." This, of course was followed by the choking noise of the damn that was holding back the ocean of tears springing a hole.

Just make it through worship.
Just make it through worship.
Just make it through worship.

Pouring my heart out to my God. 
Telling Him how Great and Powerful He is even though I am facing a trial.
He is Good. 
This was the healing I desperately needed. 
I sobbed in my seat. 
Pouring my heart out to Him. 
Allowing my heart to quiver in His presence so that it make be shaken of all fear and bleeding and be bandaged up by His love.

I collected my composure before the people opened their eyes after an intimate time with our Jesus. Two or three people asked me how I was doing. Trying not to be rude I said,

"Look, I really don't want to talk right now..."

Some went and asked my husband (which I much preferred).

After my pastor's jokes and crazy stories of his anniversary trip to New York during hurricane Sandy, 
I felt revived. 

The Lord ministered to me later that day (after breaking down in the kitchen boiling potatoes). 

"You're faith is strong my child. Your faith in me is Your strength. I love you."

Not to say that I do not hurt anymore because this life is full of pain, but I have been tested an approved. 

When we are planted in Christ, we cannot be shaken. No matter what we face. This is my life verse and is what I have my first tattoo after:

Blessed is the man who trust in the LORD,
and whose hope is in the LORD.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, 
which spreads out its roots by the river,
and will not fear when heat comes;
but it's leaf will be green,
and will not be anxious in the year of drought,
nor will cease from yielding fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8

Two hands holding an Olive Tree

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength, and my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him; 
God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 62:5-8

1 comment:

  1. Cassie, I am so, so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are experiencing. It is heart-wrenching and devastating, and one of those times when we have no words and very little understanding from God. Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt. What a blessing it is to see you clinging to Christ!
    Praying for you, dear one, and would love to talk with you if/when you are up to it!
    Hugs and prayers,