Anchor in the Storm

I wrote this post and then saved it as a draft nervous to post it. 
Why?
It's raw. It's what I'm currently dealing with.
But I realize that God is going to use me to speak to other parents who may have to deal with this. 
Then I ran into this article and it word for word depicted what I've been dealing with.
Anger. Guilt. Grief. 
Tremendous grief. 
So here's what I wrote after a long night of crying:




Guilt.

It can drive one mad.

And when it comes to a loved one, it cutes deep.

It bleeds like an artery that was nipped and can't be stopped.

You try to keep your hand on the wound, but blood just keeps coming and coming.

Nothing can console it.

Nothing can mend it.

It just bleeds until there's nothing left and you feel dead.

Every day I look into the eyes of my once healthy girls and can't help but feel the weight of this guilt. Thoughts overwhelms my mind like a violent, raging hurricane. I am drowning in them. Gasping and grasping for any bit of truth I find in God's Word. 

You know things in your head, but then your flesh still goes there. The truth you establish your life on keeps you anchored and far from doing something too rash based of your emotions or your earthly intuitions. You stay anchored knowing that God's in control. Knowing He's spoken to You and You've followed Him. 

However the little boat of your life is still riding upon those waves. There's water coming up on the deck. The masts as being damaged and torn to shreds. You know your boat will pull through, but in the midst of the hurricane, you're overwhelmed. 

Every day I look into my little girl's eyes and see the change in them from the lead poisoning. It's too much to bear most days. You can't ignore it. It just breaks your heart. You just turn away, fall apart, and then try to dry your swollen eyes so you can step back out and continue on being there for them.

They weren't born this way.
Was there something I could have done?!?
Something I shouldn't have done?
They were given to me to care for and I failed!
Forever they'll live with the consequences of this heavy metal.
Oh, God! I can't do anything but watch it take over!

Then a friend calls and shares with me her struggle in her mind. Battling thoughts of despair. I give her the very advice I am striving to apply to my life. It's a battle! You literally have to FIGHT. I know, I've been up all night every night crying until I can't see out of my puffy eyes. My influenza has turned into possible pneumonia and I just can't get better. I don't sleep. Food doesn't taste good. 

Fighting the Fight.

Still a raw, bleeding wound.

But faith is:

.."the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

and it's my hope that this open wound will one day scab over, 

and become a scar like the scars my beautiful Savior had, 

and I can share with the world the Love of My Good God.