It Is Finished: Miscarriage

Searching and searching and searching the internet for any glimpse of hope to hold onto.

Story after story after story I filled my mind with all the tales of miracle after miracle after miracle of women whose fates didn't turn out how mine inevitably would... 

"I was diagnosed with a miscarriage... but had an ultrasound and found a baby!"

Dizziness, nausea, weakness and confusion sent me to the ER on Saturday night where I would meet my horrific fate: an ultrasound.

I laid on the hospital bed hooked up to an IV and listened to the ultrasound technician explain to me:

"Now you can watch what I am doing, but I cannot explain anything to you that you see on the screen. You need to wait for the doctor for that."

I knew that of course. I have a l.o.n.g history of m.a.n.y. pelvic ultrasounds. I could probably do them myself by now.

She squirted the warm gel on my stomach and placed the monitor in the correct position to gaze into my womb. 

Searching, my eyes were searching for a little face. 
A little head.
A little hand.
A little heart beat...
Nothing...
Just. An. Empty. Womb.

The doctor came in later that evening and said:

"Your pregnancy is over. Your hCG level was only 2 and the ultrasound showed no tissue or remains of a pregnancy. You should stop bleeding in a day or so."

No explanation for the dizziness (of course).
Just an explanation for the aching heart.


I braved it out to go to church on Sunday morning and face again: the inevitable. With my head down and eyes glued on the ground I tried to sneak in just before second service without anyone confronting me. My pastor's wife ran over and hugged me. I told her, "Don't talk to me. Don't say anything. I don't want to cry..." This, of course was followed by the choking noise of the damn that was holding back the ocean of tears springing a hole.

Just make it through worship.
Just make it through worship.
Just make it through worship.

Pouring my heart out to my God. 
Telling Him how Great and Powerful He is even though I am facing a trial.
He is Good. 
This was the healing I desperately needed. 
I sobbed in my seat. 
Pouring my heart out to Him. 
Allowing my heart to quiver in His presence so that it make be shaken of all fear and bleeding and be bandaged up by His love.

I collected my composure before the people opened their eyes after an intimate time with our Jesus. Two or three people asked me how I was doing. Trying not to be rude I said,

"Look, I really don't want to talk right now..."

Some went and asked my husband (which I much preferred).

After my pastor's jokes and crazy stories of his anniversary trip to New York during hurricane Sandy, 
I felt revived. 
Relieved. 
Renewed.

The Lord ministered to me later that day (after breaking down in the kitchen boiling potatoes). 

"You're faith is strong my child. Your faith in me is Your strength. I love you."

Not to say that I do not hurt anymore because this life is full of pain, but I have been tested an approved. 

When we are planted in Christ, we cannot be shaken. No matter what we face. This is my life verse and is what I have my first tattoo after:

Blessed is the man who trust in the LORD,

and whose hope is in the LORD.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, 

which spreads out its roots by the river,

and will not fear when heat comes;

but it's leaf will be green,

and will not be anxious in the year of drought,

nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Two hands holding an Olive Tree

My soul, wait silently for God alone,

For my expectation is from Him.

He only is my rock and salvation;

He is my defense;

I shall not be moved.

In God is my salvation and my glory;

The rock of my strength, and my refuge is in God.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

Pour out your heart before Him; 

God is a refuge for us.

Selah.

Psalm 62:5-8

Healing is a Process

October 23rd 2012

November 3rd 2012

My belly is back to normal now as you can see in the above pictures. 
Emotionally I am doing a lot better today. 
I think I only teared up once when I passed more tissue in the toilet. :(

Physically I am hurting a lot more today. 
More cramping and lots of pelvic pain. Like soreness.
I am REALLY lightheaded and cannot do much standing up or walking around with out feeling like I am going to pass out or like my pelvis is being sliced open. 

Not a whole lot of bleeding still. Probably the most today then I have seen so far. 

I am still not going to leave the house much. 
I am doing very minimal house work. I can't handle much.

I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and singing some worship songs. I even wrote a song. It's pretty lame, but that's alright. Once I started to read, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in days. I took a deep breath and felt my lungs fill with air. I realized I had been holding my breath for days.

** We never realize how dead we really are until we breathe God's life into our lives. **

I am think about adding on to my tattoo an outline of another bird to represent the baby that I miscarried.

 Someone suggested naming the baby and having a memorial-type thing for him. I was thinking about getting a ring with two little baby feet and the date I started to miscarry.

Healing is a process.

Physically and Emotionally.

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Real. Talk.

I. Just. Can't. Stop. Crying.

It's not even controllable.

Today I have been having pain in my pelvis.
Not cramping, but sharper pain.

Also just down right confused. I will probably have to re-read this several times because I am having a hard time thinking straight. 

I went to the store today and had no idea what was going on.
I just wandered around the isles. Got really sick. Sat down.

Had plans tonight, but couldn't get myself to go.

I am so fearful someone is going to say something stupid to me.
I am learning how when someone looses someone they love, the LAST thing they want to be asked is:

"How are you doing?"
"Well at least ... didn't happen!"
"It could be worse."

I just can't handle that yet.

I keep replaying (sorry this may be TMI) plopping out the little mass of tissue of a baby into the toilet. :'(


I want to get over this.
I can't believe how hard it is. 
I feel so dumb having such a hard time with this.

I need to just spend time talking with my Jesus.
I need to go now...

Not Sure What to Expect

I am not sure as to what to expect in this whole process.

I have had no cramping or pain of any kind today.

Some bleeding this morning followed by what was probably the baby in a clot of strange looking tissue.

Lots of emotions. Crying. Feeling of loss.

Ahavah asked me, "what's wrong mommy?"

I said, "the baby in mommy's tummy died and went to heaven with Jesus."

"it's okay mommy." she says as she puts her arm around me and kisses me on the face. "Jesus loves you."

I don't think I will ever forget that moment. It's like I knew before she spoke that God was going to speak to me through her. I just smiled and let her hold me for a few minutes. As I rested my head on her little shoulder, I just wanted the world to stop turning for a while.

The bleeding has gone way way down. I am barely even spotting now. I am very nauseous, however, and keep getting heat flashes followed by chills. Probably a hormonal thing? Not sure what to expect...

I feel like trying to hold onto every possibility that this isn't happening.

Could it have been twins and I am still carrying one?

Could it have just been a cyst that burst or something?

Maybe if I got an ultrasound, there would be a baby in there?!

I mean bleeding could be anything right?

Miscarriages can be diagnosed, right?

Lord, I just need to hear Your voice in the midst of this.

Please speak to me about what to expect.

4 Weeks Pregnant & Miscarriage

We miscarried. 
Or we ARE miscarrying.

I am still passing blood and some clots.

It's a strange feeling to miscarry. I actually feel really unqualified to be writing about something like this considering another friend of mine just had a still birth at 37 weeks. What I am going through does NOT even compare. 

But this is the first I have experienced this, so I just want to talk about what I am feeling.

October 31st 2012 Wednesday
I had just got off the phone with my best friend in the whole world Cristina Douglas. I was just telling her that the Lord has never put me through a miscarriage because He knows I couldn't handle it. Only about 1 1/2 hours later, I went to the bathroom and "plop!" A couple tablespoons of blood dropped into the cold water in the toilet. 

My eyes grew wide and I held my breath as I looked down to see the red mass sink to the bottom of the bowl. My stomach leaped and clamminess swept over my body.

I wiped to reveal more and more blood. 

I shot up and called the nurse/midwife line. I still hadn't even gotten my blood work results back that would reveal how far along I was. A nurse finally called me back and informed me I was 4 weeks pregnant and suggested I come in for more blood work so we could see if my hormone levels were growing or dropping.

I just started bawling! Calling and calling and calling my husband at work, but he didn't answer. Finally he called me back and rushed home to take me to the clinic.

I kept feeling like I was missing a kid as I was rounding the girls up. One... Two... Three... Four?? Where is the fourth?!? Oh... there isn't one...

Every time I went to the bathroom... blood. Not a lot. Maybe a tablespoon?
My pad remained pretty clean.
There was still hope in my mind.

Maybe this is just implantation bleeding?
Maybe this could be normal?!?
Maybe something's going wrong that can be corrected??

That night I started cramping. I got the chills and then hot flashes. 
I remembered on Tuesday just having an overwhelming sense of sadness.
I laid in bed and tried calling the on-call midwife again, but she never called back, so I went to sleep.

November 1st 2012, Thursday
This morning the bleeding seemed to be getting better.
Not as much cramping. 
So I called the clinic to try to talk to a mid-wife.
She informed me my hormone levels dropped from 25 to 15. 
I was miscarrying.
Everything else she said was just a blur that I don't remember. 

As of this moment, I don't feel like crying. 
I don't feel overwhelmingly sad. 
That hit yesterday with the fear of everything going on.
I am at peace with it all I think. 
Like I said earlier, I feel un-qualified to even talk about this compared to what others are going though at this moment.

I think I am going to make some sort of memorial for this baby though. 
I don't care how early along you miscarry, it's a sad thing.
I LOVE KIDS! And losing one is my WORST nightmare!


So there it is.
My first miscarriage.
A week of deaths.
A weird thing. 
But I know that I know that I know that God Is Good. 

I have so many questions for Him.
Not just for myself, but for people who miscarry or stillbirth in general.
All I know is My God and His character. 
He is good. 
I don't understand it all.
But I have the answer.
He is Good.

In Hebrews 11 we see all these great men and women of faith. "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on earth (11:13)." Many were tortured, mocked, scourged, stoned, tempted, shipwrecked, afflicted, tormented! "And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us (11:39-40)."

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Frankly, we live in a Fallen World.
A world that hates God.
Sin is in this world.
We are a fallen and sinful people.
None of us ARE good.
We all sin.

But as a child of God, He reminds us that "all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

So by faith (Hebrews 11) and because I know my God personally and intimately, I can hold onto the fact that He is good, and His plans for me are good (Romans 8:28). Even when they don't seem that way...

4 Weeks Pregnant and Bleeding

Sorry I have not posted in a while.
But I have a pretty decent excuse!

We are PREGNANT!!

That's right! Number 4 (or more?)!!

This last Thursday (the 25th) my husband had finally agreed to allow me to buy a pregnancy test. So I peed on it right before we left for church and it was a very light positive.

He had a hard time believing me. He wanted more proof.

So... I went in to see a midwife. We did a pee test which came back negative! :(
We did a blood test, but to make matters worse, they sent me home without the results.

So I schedualed an ultrasound at the end of November to get an estimated due date as well as to see how many little ones I am carrying. Multiples run in my family.

I was having such a hard time with Alex at the beginning of all this. A few days before my period was due I felt nauseous and dizzy (which is normal). Then I was three days late and my boobs started feeling really tingling... I NEVER felt that with my last two pregnancies. Also, I was extremely exhausted. 

Alex has bought me probably like 7 or 8 pregnancy tests this year so he was pretty reluctant to buy me another one. But I started getting really nauseous and my belly is already showing.

He says it's not that he doesn't believe ME, he just needs more proof. This really hurt my feelings this time around for some reason. 

So here is a picture of my belly:

I have no idea how far along I am. 
But I weigh: 134lbs as of the beginning of this journey.


One more thing I want to mention about this pregnancy is that it is, sadly, surrounded by 5 deaths! Two of my friends had miscarriages (one in her first trimester and one at 37 weeks), my sister had a miscarriage and a man from our church died.

So this baby is surrounded by death and doubt. But I believe that God has an awesome plan for this baby's life!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE:

I started to bleed at about 2pm this afternoon. It was like a big "plop" in the toilet when I went to the bathroom. I FREAKED OUT! 

I called the nurse line/on call midwife and she called back. I went in to get a second blood test so we could see if the hormone levels are rising, staying the same (both good signs), or lowering. 

The midwife instructed me through what to expect if I am going through a miscarriage. But she also told me I am about 4 weeks pregnant according to my first blood test yesterday. 

I am still dripping some bright red blood every time I go to the bathroom. It only comes out when I use the toilet. My pad is pretty much clean besides a few spots. 

Praying!